Well...it's obviously been a while since I posted anything. For a while there wasn't too much excitement on the home front. I always figured I'd pick it back up again when we had kids to keep y'all informed and because I know kids make everything a little more exciting.
Right now I ask you to walk with us through a journey. I'm not sure exciting is the word I would use to describe this journey, but we are encountering new experiences.
We held this pregnancy loosely during the first few weeks, due to the miscarriage I had at 5 weeks just the month prior. We were able to grasp that loss and have already seen some of God's working in it.
We probably never would have left the benefits Shawn had at his work in Iowa and would have continue to hang in a directionless limbo.
I would have been much more apprehensive with the moving process. Which, with Shawn’s back, I had to be the heavy lifter, main worker.
Then, at 8 ½ weeks this time around, we got to see our little one. Seeing the heartbeat pumping away left me speechless. It appeared healthy and wonderful. Excited to have the opportunity to many in Iowa in person, the floodgates opened and we let everyone know that have been so anxiously awaiting a lil’ Selmeski. The heart is one of those critical developments, and we were so much more confident that things were going great by the fact that we had a picture to show off our little one.
Everything seemed like it was starting to fit into place and we were rebuilding after lots of transitions. During this time, a critical piece of the puzzle fell into place. We found a church family, and not just any church family, but a place where people are authentic and transparent, dedicated to the mission of truly being about God’s work. When we walked in, we weren’t just another number to chalk up to the attendance for the week. Tons of people have taken the time to get to know us and seek to serve others. The leadership structure and accountability trickles down to the congregation’s actions and growth. After just 2 ½ weeks, Shawn and I continue to look at each other and wonder how can this be such a natural fit, and wow, we are really blessed by the people we are surrounded by, people that are growing in their relationship so much so that Christ reflects through them. This is what we’ve been praying for! A piece of the puzzle in place. We are excited to see how much each of us will be able to grow here.
Little did we know, our growth will include more heartache. This week snuck up on us. I was supposed to go in for a check-up at 12 ½ weeks already this week. However, the day before, I called to get checked out. The whole time I told myself “It’s no big deal! I’m just an overconcerned first time mom.” The doctor used the Doppler monitor, but my digestive tract was so loud that we couldn’t hear the baby. So, I went for an ultra-sound. At this point, I was thinking “Sweet! I get to see my baby again. I wouldn’t probably have another ultra-sound if it was just my normal appointment. Lucky me!” And then I watched the screen. From the last time, I knew we saw that heartbeat right away. She kept moving it around, and though I could see my little one, I wasn’t seeing the heartbeat, but what do I know. And then the classic words, “Let me go get the doctor.” She did have the courtesy to let me know before she left the room, “Unfortunately, there is no heartbeat, but let me have the doctor come check”. The baby was only measuring about 9 weeks, which means it would have died shortly after we were last there. There I sat, weeping. The rest was kind of just a blur. I asked questions and they told me stuff, but I just wanted to get home.
And now we wait. I wait for more pain, cramping, and excessive bleeding. We wait for an emotional rollercoaster. We wait for what God has in store for us.
We are confident that God is growing us through this, but we pray that he continues to be glorified through the pain. I always get so frustrated when I only hear “God is so good!” during the wonderful times. We hold fast to the fact that “God is still good!” Yeah…this sucks! But that doesn’t change who He is or what He can do! We are so blessed to be surrounded by others that have walked this heartwrenching rollercoaster before.
Please pray with us during this time…
1) for protection over my body during this process, that the baby would pass naturally and I wouldn’t have to have a D&C
2) for emotional strength for both of us.
3) for at least one of us to find a job with great insurance benefits so we can get further testing done to figure out what’s going on
4) for us not to be “numb” with future pregnancies for fear that we will lose another one
5) for laughter and joy to surround us
6) for God to be glorified through this. He is our strength and our portion.
We are actually doing fairly well. My sister and I joked the other night that we are in competition to see who can have the most babies in heaven to greet us when we get there.